Are You a Serial Dater?

Late-night texts, cancelled plans, an action-packed social calendar. Sound familiar? If these are patterns that make up your dating repertoire, you may be a serial dater.

See if any of these describe you:

• You constantly move from one short-term relationship to the next (typically every few weeks or months).
• You love the feeling of being in love, but not necessarily the person you're with.
• Even when in a relationship, you flirt and act as though you're still single.
• You're constantly searching for your next partner or a back-up date.
• You're afraid of being single or alone.
• You're in an endless search for an ideal partner to "complete" you.
• You regularly date more than one person at the same time.
• You give up on a relationship after the first signs of conflict or emotional attachment.
• You line up another partner before breaking off your current relationship.

The Appeal of Serial Dating

Serial dating has become more common with the advent of online dating. Users typically communicate with a number of people at once assuming the majority aren't likely to be a match. Since the goal is to meet these potential partners in person, users are more likely to date multiple people at one time, sometimes embarking on multiple sexual relationships and risky sexual behaviors.

Many men become serial daters in an effort to have as many sexual encounters as possible without ever becoming emotionally vulnerable or attached. Women, on the other hand, typically date multiple people in search for "the one."

What causes someone to become a serial dater? Unhealthy dating patterns can come about for any number of reasons:

• The individual may have been experienced deep emotional pain or trauma in a previous relationship.
• A history of childhood abuse may make it difficult to trust.
• Perfectionistic thinking may prevent the individual from taking a risk to pursue a genuine connection.
• The individual may have lost faith in long-term relationships because of a parent's divorce or the loss of a loved one.
• In the case of sex or love addiction, the individual may have a compulsive need to feel the "high" of romantic love over and over again.

Innocent Fun or Red Flag?

Serial dating is not necessarily a sign of a problem, particularly when done on a short-term basis in the early stages of a relationship. In some cases, it can be a way to get to know yourself and what you're looking for in a partner.

But if the practice continues for a long period of time or becomes a way of avoiding authentic connections, there may be underlying issues to consider such as sex or love addiction. In addition to sacrificing the rewards of a healthy relationship for empty distraction, you deprive your partners of the opportunity to meet someone who truly cares for them.

A Healthier Way to Love

Serial daters never invest real emotion into their relationships and thus stand to lose very little. They also stand to gain very little.

Maintaining relationships with multiple people at the same time can be stressful and unfulfilling, particularly when it involves keeping secrets and cancelling plans last minute. Most serial daters find themselves lost in a sea of personal details that they can't keep track of and a number of people wanting more from them than they are willing to give.

There are healthier ways to engage in relationships. If you're ready to move beyond serial dating, consider making the following changes:

Take a break. When your current relationship ends, try taking a break. What kinds of emotions arise? Take this time to learn about yourself and what you're looking for in a potential partner.

Stay busy. One of the best ways to get to know yourself is spending time doing activities you enjoy. Go out with friends, take a class or develop a hobby. Not only will you fill the time you would've spent serial dating, but you will become a more fulfilled, whole partner when the time is right to start a new relationship.

Be selective. Next time you ask someone out or agree to go on a date, evaluate whether this is someone you would seriously consider as a partner. If you begin dating, take things slow. Hold off on sex until you decide you'd like to pursue a more serious relationship.

Be honest. When you go on a date, be honest about what you're looking for and whether you sense the possibility for a real connection. If not, don't waste your time or theirs or hold onto them "just in case."

Get help. Serial dating is not itself a disorder, but it can be a sign of underlying trauma or sex and love addiction. Talk with a counselor or get an assessment from a sex and love addiction treatment program so that you can address the core issues and begin reaping the rewards of healthy companionship. With new life skills and a change in mindset, you can develop the relationship you want without doing undue harm to yourself or others.