How often do we skip over our own needs and desires for fear that they won't be met? As part of our commitment and intention to call in great love into our lives, we need to learn to express our needs and desires and present them in ways that enroll others to fulfill them.
So often in our relationships, both romantic and otherwise, we lose out on deepened love and connection because we make meaning out of what someone does or doesn't do. We make it mean something about us or something about them. We make all sorts of assumptions and draw all sorts of conclusions. We decide that someone is wrong and that we are right or vice versa. We start assuming we know the other person's perspective. We may either go in with guns blazing to confront the other person, blaming and shaming them and telling them their perspective, or we completely disengage, disconnect and withdraw. We expect others to magically know what we need and then make them wrong or draw a conclusion when they don't.
In doing these things we shut down any possibility for deepened love and connection. We deprive ourselves of the opportunity to receive the support we need and we deprive others of giving it to us. We miss out on the opportunity for deepened love, connection and intimacy that comes with authentically expressing and asking for what we need and desire.
It really starts with the willingness to take radical responsibility for ourselves and the life and love that we are committed to creating. When we realize that none can be expected to automatically know what we need and that most people would probably be only too happy to give to us if only we asked, a whole new world of love opens up to us.
First we want to become connected to our own needs and desires. So many of us are completely out of touch with what we need and desire.
Ask yourself the following:
"What do I need and desire in my relationships?"
(this can include all relationships) For Example: "I need to be respected" "I need to be heard" "I need to be valued" "I have a deep desire to be told I'm beautiful"
Then Ask:
"Is there someone in my life I am avoiding telling the truth about what I need?"
"Is there someone I am making wrong?"
"What assumptions am I making?
"What conclusions am I drawing?"
"What have I been or am I expecting someone to know without asking or telling them?"
"Do I need more information before making a decision?"
"What could I take responsibility for in this dynamic?"
"What is a step I could take in this dynamic that would cause more love, connection and authenticity?"
(For Example: telling the truth, engaging a conversation, asking for support etc).
Here is a conversation outline for how to best navigate a conversation aimed at expressing our needs:
1. Appreciation: think of something you appreciate about the other person
2. Set an intention for the conversation: for example: "My intention for this conversation is for us to feel closer and more connected"
3. Take responsibility for what you see about yourself: For example: "Up until now I have been avoiding telling you the truth because I was afraid you would be angry with me" or "I have been saying this is ok with me when actually it's not"
4. Say what you see in the dynamic: without blaming or shaming the other person, just state your own experience and perspective
5. Ask them what is going on for them: create a welcoming, curious space for them to tell you their perspective. Really listen and acknowledge
6. Ask for what you need: For example: "I need my limits and boundaries to be respected and I am committed to letting you know what they are" or "I feel that I do most of the giving, I need for us to have a healthy balance of giving and receiving in our relationship"
7. Ask if they are willing to give you what you need
8. Ask if there is anything they need from you
9. Come to new agreement between you
10. Acknowledge and appreciate them for their time and willingness to engage the conversation
Navigating Challenging Conversations
If at any time the conversation becomes abusive, know that you can say "I will need to put the phone down/walk away if you continue to abuse me."
Part of learning, growing and evolving is realizing that not everyone is able or willing to give us what we need and there may be some relationships that we need to let go. However, there are many people who would happily give us what we need if only we would ask.
Like to learn more about becoming deeply in touch with your value, needs and desires and become able to express them in ways that have others excited, enrolled and inspired to fulfill them?
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