Master the First Date Dinner Conversation

While lust at first sight requires no words, the kind of love that inspires and endures usually begins with conversation.

As Dead Prez so accurately rapped:

"We could have mind sex, we ain't got to take out clothes off yet... Before we make love, let's have a good conversation."

Obviously, conversation is important not only in love, but in every aspect of our lives. A great conversation is often what determines whether and how someone remembers us, how people gauge the most integral parts of your character, and how effective you are at navigating through life by communicating the things that matter to you.

As fundamental as conversation is to building relationships in general, many of us don't seem to know how to relate who we are and what we think about. Every day, I speak with clients who lead immensely interesting, multi-dimensional lives. They're full of facts and experiences that could be turned into amusing anecdotes and insightful observations. Yet, until I wheedle it out of them, I never would've guessed.

Because there is nothing more fatal to new romance than bland chit-chat, I've gathered the most commonly broken rules for first date conversations.

Listen more than you speak
A no-brainer, but actually difficult to execute as there needs to be a balance. Try to make sure the conversation is 40% you speaking and 60% the other person speaking. Keep your end of the conversation qualitative, rather than quantitative. If both parties follow the 40/60 rule, neither of you will come home wondering, "How did he/she manage to eat without ever closing his/her mouth?"

Be curious
In order to be genuinely curious, you must ask questions that one, you actually want to hear about and two, are substantive rather than simply narrative. "What did you do today?", while polite to ask, usually results in narrative chit-chat. "Are you the eldest? Do you agree with the whole birth order/personality theory?" leads to the sharing of opinions, histories, observations. You know, the fun stuff.

Avoid the play-by-play
Seriously. When someone asks you a question, there is no need to relate every detail of the story. If you're in the habit of doing this: "And then she said...and then I did...and then we went...and then we saw..." Seriously, just stop it. Boil the tale down to the bits that matter and present it properly or scrap it altogether.

Keep it relatable
Especially at the beginning of relationships, you don't have to share every aspect of yourself, your thoughts, or experiences. The point is to build a common ground. Make sure that the anecdotes you tell and the references you make are of interest to the listening party. Quick tip: if you have to end a story by, "Yea, you just have to have been there"...it's probably not worth telling. Another tip: Unless you know the other party is into say, Greek mythology, avoid arcane references to said subject.

Avoid declarations about yourself and your personality There's no need to state that you're kind, or considerate or generous or fill-in-the-blank, most people with their senses intact will be able to gauge most of these qualities simply by observing your mannerisms and your conversational content and style. It's always better to demonstrate than state.

Smile
This requires no words.